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This Monday’s Matter of the Heart question: 

Dear Misty-

I was put in to foster care when I was a baby.  I left there at 6mos old.  Was raised by to beautiful parents, who are deceased now.  I always wanted to find my real family well finally it happened.  I am 53 now.  I met them on thanksgiving 2009.  My bio family consist of 3 sisters and 1 brother.  3 childrens were raised by real mother.  Myself and other sister, were adopted out.  Long story short.  Real mother did  not want to meet me.  She did  not want to live in past.  But she did come.  Asked question about father she told me very little, I emailed her and wanted to tell me more, but she never replied.  I do  have her phone number.  She is married now to someone else.  She said my father is deceased.  I just want to know about him, so I am trying to see if I can find an obituary on him.  I need her to tell me more information.  She  did tell me he was married to someone else at the time, and that she knew his wife.  Should I try to get her to talk more, should I call her.  I have the feeling she doesn’t want to be bothered by the past.  But I want to know about my  fathers side.  Tell me what should I do?

Answer: 

If I were in this situation I imagine I’d feel the same way. I would want to know all I could about both parents. Sounds like you’re facing a real challenge when it comes to getting information about your father. But it also sounds like you may have more than one resource when it comes to getting info.   

First, let me say I admire your strength. I know this is probably no easy task.  

1-I would encourage you to reach out to your sisters and brother and see what info they may have about your dad.  

2-Next, I would reach out to your fathers wife, with the help of your bio mom. Your fathers wife may be willing/able to provide you with info you and want/need.  

3-Finally, I would come up with a list of all the questions I wanted to know about my dad. Then I would consolidate those questions, to a smaller list of questions. I’d  then reach out to my bio mom one last time, through email. Email allows her time to process the questions and answer them on her time, without feeling pressured to answer on the spot.  But be patient. In her defense, I wouldn’t assume she doesn’t want to be bothered with your or the past. I imagine, she may be dealing/carrying around a lot of emotions she may not have dealt with yet. But! Don’t give up on her. You said she didn’t want to meet you, but she decided to. Which to me, says she cares.      

 I do think you deserve to know about your father. But try to prepare yourself for what you will learn about your dad, and what you may never find out about him. I definitely think it’s worth pursing. You may not be able to move on until you try. I do think you owe it to yourself.   

Thank you for writing in to Misty’s Matters of the Heart~ Misty