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lilD is taking 30 days to see if you can really use Tinder for more than a hookup! Today, see how a trip to get a black bean burger turned horribly wrong…

Tinder Tales with lilD

Source: iOne / iOne

Listen, I’m not here to break anyone’s pockets. Fancy restaurants are nice, but I would rather you cook for me, or we pack lunch and eat in the park. Plus, I’m a vegetarian, so I’m a cheap date anyway.

So I tell this TinderBae, “let’s just shoot to [restaurant] real quick, they have great black bean burgers.” I was coming back from my homegirl’s house in Dublin (I wanna be like her when I grow up; ole rich self), so he told me to meet him at his apartment complex, and I could follow him there. Cool.

So I GPS the address to his apartment, and when I’m pretty sure I’m there, I call him. “Hey, I think I’m here…” He immediately says, “you see the Mercedes? That’s me!” Well…I just left a sea of Mercedes (is there a plural form of “Mercedes?”), so you’re gonna have to be a little more specific. I pause, and after a few moments, I ask “what color is your car?” He says, “My Mercedes is green.” He clearly cares more about driving a Mercedes than I do.

I spot his MERCEDES. It’s almost as old as I am, but definitely not as in shape. I’m not here to knock anyone’s car. Before I bought my new one, I was in a 2004 Dodge Neon, and it got me from Louisiana to Toledo, to Cleveland, to Columbus. BUT…if you’re gonna brag about owning a Mercedes, it should at least have come out this decade. In other words, my 2015 Altima (thanks, Ricart!) shouldn’t be worth more than your precious Mercedes.

So anyway. We sit down to eat. I know from his profile that he has a college degree, and has a good job where he has to listen to people talk all day, then teach them better ways to communicate. So I was mighty shocked and confused when he couldn’t seem to formulate complete sentences.

“Yea I took off nsh!t……I said f*ck it sh!t….yea, sh!t. F*ck it.” No, that’s really a direct quote.

I curse like a sailor, but I’m also smart enough to use nouns and verbs to put together sentences, and sound like my mama was the teacher she is.

What’s worse than his grammar, are his manners. First, he brags about his old ass MERCEDES. Then, he found 3 different ways to say “I got money.” Listen. I’m not rich, but I’m not hurting. I’m from the hood and worked hard for everything I have. And I don’t brag. For what? I’ve been homeless. I’m too grateful to brag. So I’m instantly annoyed.

He says he’s going to Essence Fest in New Orleans (I’m from Louisiana so it’s a great talking point). I tell him to make sure he gets a hotel close to the venue if he can, because he’ll probably be way too drunk to drive. He says “If I get that drunk, I’ll just get a hotel. I got money.” Le sigh.

The bill comes. He says “yea dinner is on me. I got money; don’t sweat it.” Sir. We’re at a chain restaurant that offers a “2 for $20” option. The total for both of our meals, is less than the total of one meal at Cooper’s Hawk. I ignore the comment and try to change the subject.

He knows I do radio, so he’s asking me how I like it, what all do I do, etc. Cool; a real conversation after 30 minutes! Welp, after he was done eating, his next action almost caused me to throw up in my mouth: he picked his teeth….with his straw. So as he’s talking, he’s picking: “yea sh!t…*pick, pick* ….I got money… *pick* ….so sh!t it’s like f*ck it…. *pick, dig deep*… sh!t for real…”

I excuse myself and go to the restroom, because I my face can’t hide my disgust. He could’ve spit some of that partially-digested steak on my face!

The date is over and I’m beyond glad. He tries to give me the chest-to-chest, 2-arm hug. I refuse. He gets a 1-arm side hug with the quickness.

My bestie says I’m being too picky. And I say, “Nah, he was being too picky. Literally. Picking his teeth with a straw.”

Welp. On to day 3……