The inevitable is coming. Saturday night will be here before you know it! Are you prepared for the club?
As a club host, I see a LOT of mistakes that could’ve been avoided, so I’ll share my knowledge with you.
Here are some tips on surviving your Saturday night.
5. You’re Wearing Heels You Can’t Walk In
Those 6-inch heels were cute in the store, weren’t they? And had you have taken an hour to break them in before you got to the club, they would’ve been cute on you too. But since nobody taught you the trick, and you won’t DARE put those flats on, we have a problem.
This is easily fixed. Simply pretend to be drunk. Then everyone will think you’re stumbling and watching your step because you can’t hold your liquor. Trust me; tis better to not be able to hold your liquor than wear your heels. No one will ever know…
YES THEY WILL! Look, your poor, helpless child, put on some cotton socks, wear those heels for an hour, then go to the club. Trust me.
4. You Can’t Hold Your Liquor
Nobody wants to be “that guy” who can’t keep up with his friends. But hey, it’s not your fault they get sloppy every weekend, and you happen to think Fiji water is amazing. So here’s a trick: call the bartender over, pretend to flirt with her and get really close to her, then ask her to give you a mixed drink; 2 parts Coca-Cola, 1 part water. And she must give you one of those little straws.
This is the perfect disguise. It’s disgusting, so you’ll automatically make that “this liquor is strong!” face, and you’ll sip it slow enough to really fool your friends. No one will ever know…
YES THEY WILL! If you can’t hold your liquor, go to Walmart, grab some of those name tag stickers, and write “Designated Driver” in the space. Enjoy your water.
3. You Gotta Scratch Your Ass
That dress is way too cute for you to start digging in it. Besides, the bathroom at the club may not have soap. And you DO wash your hands after you dig in your ass, right..?
If you’re daring enough to scratch your ass in public, then this advice is perfect. Does your club have a stripper pole? Construction beam? Chair with a sharp side? You better hop up on it and twerk on that thang, Miley! This works whether you can dance or not, and the size of your butt matters none. You just do your best impression of a stripper and concentrate on getting that itch! No one will ever know…
YES THEY WILL! Hey stupid, how about you take a BATH before you get dressed for the club?
2. You Gotta Do Number 2
Too much bar food, not enough constipation? There’s no real way to get around a bowel movement. You don’t wanna hold it in; that’s THEE worst tummy ache in history. But….contrary to what some of these stuck-up chicks think, we all know yo’ shit stank. So what do you do?
The key to successfully taking a dump at the club is simple: don’t wear panties! Go in that bathroom and handle your business as quickly as possible, then walk out tugging on your dress. Be sure to complain out loud about how hard it is to get that dress back on after you pee. No one will ever know…
YES THEY WILL! First, eat before you get to the bar, and quit ingesting that unhealthy, greasy bar food, and chasing it with beer. Those burps are NOT ladylike. Then, go see a gastroenterologist. You might need a colonic. They stick a tube up your…
1. Someone is Wearing the Same Dress as You!
This is the worst First World Problem since cars not having A/C! So what do you do after getting all dolled up, just to see another broad in YOUR dress?
There are a few simple ways to fix this problem without ever leaving the club. First, always carry a cute blazer with you. Throw that on over your dress and it looks like a completely different outfit! If that doesn’t work, sit at the bar all night and pretend you’re too cute to dance. Then nobody will pay you any attention anyway.
If all else fails, bring a pair of scissors to the club. You can always go to the bathroom and make alterations on the fly. No one will ever know….
YES THEY WILL! You know how you can avoid wearing the same dress as someone else? Stop thinking Rainbow is the only store that sells dresses.
I’m Dee Porter, and that’s the Word Eye Heard. Happy Saturday!